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YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DOING RESCUE TOO LONG WHEN:

You have a mental list of people you'd like to spay or neuter.

You stopped at a house with a "Free Puppies" sign in the yard to have an
Educational "Chat," and your kids had to post your bail.

Running out of paper towels is a household crisis.

You not only know all the characteristics of a good "stool," you discuss
them at dinner.

Your checks have messages on them like "Subtract Two Testicles For Every
Four Feet."

You have a bumper sticker that reads "My German Shepherd Is Smarter Than
Your Graduate Student."

You secretly wonder about such things as how animals can manage without
wiping.

You pray they will someday manufacture Teflon furniture.

You have phone calls forwarded to PetsMart.

You absentmindedly pat people on the head or scratch them behind their ears.

Given the choice of having your teeth cleaned or their teeth cleaned, they
get their teeth cleaned.

You not only allow pets on the couch, guests have to sit on the floor because
the dog has "territorial issues."

Your spouse missed the final game of the World Series because the cat wanted
to watch his favorite video, "Birds of North America."

Anytime the animal appears lethargic, you go on-line and investigate vetmed
websites, pose questions to your address book and on e-lists, and by the time
you digest all the information and field the correspondence, the animal has
torn out the window screens, masticated a couch cushion and left something
disgusting in your favorite pair of shoes.

Your chatroom handle is "Queen of Spayeds."

You and your vet are on a first name basis and he genuflects when you enter
the waiting room. His daughter at Harvard refers to you as "Auntie."

You needed a prescription to recover from "Old Yeller."

You've forwarded more warnings about the dangers of chocolate, onions and
mistletoe than the National Center for Disease Control has issued about
anthrax
and smallpox.

You wear white year 'round, not because you are flaunting a fashion law or
belong to a religious sect but because you have a Dalmatian, Great Pyrenees,
Samoyed or white Persian at home.

The world would never guess from your "dog or kittyspeak" posts to e-lists
that in reality you are chairman of the IBM corporation.

By the time you investigate different flea control products, their
advantages and potential risks,natural versus chemical methods, and study the
life
cycle of the flea, any fleas have died of old age.

You tell your children to "heel!" in a grocery store.

For relaxation, you went mall hopping with your girlfriends. Your eyes
glazed over when you saw a sign in front of a pet shop, "20% Off All Puppies &
Kittens," and you slapped three security guards before they got you safely
contained in the manager's office.

People are still talking about your spay-neuter holiday greeting from last
year, "Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies.


Bridgett Kinloch

    

THE BEST FRIEND MAN HAS IN THE WORLD 
Senator Vest, speaking to a jury about Old Drum, shot in 1869 

The best friend man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son, or daughter, that he has reared with loving care may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to us, those whom we trust with our happiness and good name may become traitors to their faith. The money a man has he may lose. It flies away from him, perhaps when he needs it most. A man's reputation may be sacrificed in a moment of ill-considered action. The people who are prone to fall on their knees when success is with us may be the first to throw the stone of malice when failure settles its cloud upon our head. 

The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog. A man's dog stands by him in prosperity and poverty, in health and in sickness. He will sleep on the cold ground when the wintry winds blow and the snow drives fiercely, if only to be near his master's side. He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer, he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world. He guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains. When riches take wing, and reputation falls to pieces, he is as constant in his love as the sun in its journey through the heavens. 

If fortune drives his master forth, an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him, to guard him against danger, to fight against his enemies. And when that last scene of all comes, and death takes his master in its embrace and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there, by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in alert watchfulness, faithful and true, even in death. 

 

 

For those who do or have done rescue...
whether it was one or a hundred

Rescue Prayer

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray my soul can stand this test.
Of watching critters lose their homes,
while owners gripe and cry and moan

I pray they'll find a home again.
Where they will know a loving heart.
I can't do much, but its a start...
And spare me from the owner's pleas
about the baby's allergies
Or how they're moving out of state.
Or spitefulness between cat and mate.
Please keep me sane while dealing with
the woman who bought as a gift...
...a wriggling tiny ball of fluff
that now is playing way too rough!
Remind me I should bite my lip
when confronted with "he grew too quick".
"I didn't know he'd get so large".
He seems to think that he's in charge"
Protect my heart when I hear them say "
I think we'll breed our dog one day".
Sometimes I think it'll break in two.
Each day brings trials harsh and new.
And if I die before I wake
I pray one hopeless soul you'll take.
My tears are gone, my faith is bare...
Lord, please hear my rescue prayer
Author Unknown

 

                         

** DOGGY DICTIONARY **

  • SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply,
    repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

  • GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

  • BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

  • DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
    person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

  • THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

  • WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
    papers all over the house until your person comes home.

  • SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

  • BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

  • LEAN: Every good dogs response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
    black-tie events.

  • BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

  • GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

  • DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
    drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

  • DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

  • LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

  • LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

  

 

The Pact of the Fire


When the world was created, First Man and First Woman struggled to stay alive and warm through the first winter.  First Dog struggled also. Deep in the winter, First Dog gave birth to her pups.  Each night, she huddled in the brush of the forest, longingly watching the fire, which kept First Man and First Woman warm. First Winter was severe, so cold that First Dog dared not leave her pups to search for food to fill her own belly, fearing that her pups would freeze to death in her absence.  She curled around them, but the wind was bitter. Her belly shrank with hunger, and soon she had no milk.  The smallest pup perished, and First Dog felt her own life draining away as she struggled to care for the remaining pups.  Fearing for the fate of the others, she knew she had no choice but to approach the fire and ask First Woman and First Man to share their food and the fire's warmth.
Slowly, she crept to the fire and spoke to First Woman, who was heavy with child. I am a mother, said First Dog, and soon you will be a mother too. I want my little ones to survive, just as you will want your little one to survive.  So I will ask you to make a pact. First Woman and First Man listened. I am about to die.  Take my pups.  You will raise them and call them Dog. They will be your guardians.  They will alert you to danger, keep you warm, guard your camp, and even lay down their life to protect your life and the lives of your children.  They will be companions to you and all your generations, never leaving your side, as long as Mankind shall survive. In return, you will share your food and the warmth of your fire. You will treat my children with love and kindness, and tend to them if they become ill, just as if they were born from your own belly.  And if they are in pain, you will take a sharp knife to their throat, and end their misery.  In exchange for this, you will have the loyalty of my children and all their offspring until the end of time.
 
First Man and First Woman agreed.  First Dog went to her nest in the brush, and with the last of her strength, one by one, she brought her pups to the fire.  As she did so, First Woman gave birth to First Child, wrapped her in Rabbit skins, and nestled First Child among the pups by the fireside. First Dog lay down by the fire,
licked her pups, then walked away to die under the stars.

Before she disappeared into the darkness, she turned and spoke once more to First Man "My children will honor this pact for all generations.  But if Man breaks this pact, if you or your children's children deny even one Dog food, warmth, a kind word or a merciful end, your generations will be plagued with war, hunger and disease, and so this shall remain until the pact is honored again by all Mankind." With this, First Dog entered the night, and returned in spirit to the creator.

 
Lakota Sioux Legend
The Pac

A Dogs' Soul

Every dog must have a soul somewhere deep inside...
Where all his hurts and grievances are
buried with his pride.
Where he decides the good and bad;
the wrong way from the right.
And where his judgment carefully
is hidden from our sight.
A dog must have a secret place
where every thought abides.
A sort of close acquaintance that
he trusts in and confides.
And when accused unjustly for himself,
he cannot speak.
Rebuked, he finds within his soul
the comfort he must seek.
He will love, though he is unloved.
 And he will serve though badly used.
And one kind word will wipe away
the times when he's abused.
Although  his heart may break in two
 his love will still be whole.
Because God gave to every dog
an understanding Soul!

Author Unknown

Warning - Highly Contagious New Disease!!


CHIP FEVER
(Dogus Addictus)

SYMPTOMS:

Obsessive focus on all things related to dogs - seeing dog shapes in clouds and inkblots, finding dog references in unrelated conversations, pointing out other people's ability to own more dogs, going out of one's way to
talk to other dog owners and to look at dog-related items. Narcolepsia manifesting itself through repetitive dreaming of dogs and all things related to dogs, and through inability to sleep without being pinned down by warm fuzzy object.
Symptoms may prevent patient from being productive at work, and from functioning socially. This illness is also highly contagious, and can be contracted via e-mail.

TREATMENT:

Addition of new dog is often a successful treatment. Although some cases have needed repeat treatments up to eight or nine dogs. Saturation point is unknown, although overdosage is very feasible. If addition of new dog is not possible, patient should be distracted and kept busy. Acquisition of other items can temporarily soothe the need for a purchase, but patients must beware of shopping in areas containing dog-related items. If patient should see such a section of a store, the illness may become more severe. Patient should also avoid other people with Chip Fever as they tend to
exacerbate the illness. Those who have successfully overcome this illness should encourage caution and patience, as the patients are highly impulsive. Fostering should not be considered a serious alternative as it often results in addition of a dog. Fostering should be considered more as a treatment for Spouseus Uncooperativeus.

MEDICAL SUGGESTION:

While this disease has been known to exist throughout human history, it has spread exponentially in the last few years. The increase in computer e-mail has corresponded with the rise in contagion, and is strongly suspected of being a new, serious means of communicating the disease. Those people on canine related e-mail lists should be forewarned of the
possible risks of contracting the disease, and new methods of resisting contraction of the disease should be found.

Peaches' Christmas Rat: The things we do for our dogs 
-- By Dave Donahue --

OK, it's time for everyone to submit their entry for the best of the Christmas dog stories or as subtitled "The Things We Do For Our Dogs"

About four months ago, I found a dead rat in the bottom of one of my trash cans. Having never experienced anything of this nature since we moved out of the city eight years ago, I passed it off as nature's attempt at random distribution of life species. In other words I thought it a fluke. I was sure however that the rat had died from a heart attack. I had watch my two Chows, Pantu and Peaches sit and stare at the trash can for about one hour before I decided it warranted my attention.

Upon further reflection I realized (being a properly raised city boy) that rats rarely travel alone, but I was also unsure where or how they lived in a suburban environment. Apparently they live well, especially in wood sheds. I really knew I had a problem when both dogs would start barking furiously about 30 minutes after the yard light went out at bedtime each night. One night I waited with the two buggers and when they suddenly jumped up from a near comatose position, I also jumped up from a similar mode and threw on the light. How they even saw this thing in the back part of the yard while half asleep I don't know, but there it was, another rat!

Off to the hardware store for traps, no poison for obvious reasons, but also no success. Each night the dogs would bark and we would worry. Finally, on one trip to the trash cans, now moved by wifely edict to the far side of the yard, I dropped a bag into the can and from behind the can leapt a rat! Before I could blink both dogs were hot on the trail. Now I know some dogs are bred for this, but I didn't think it was one of the Chows more admirable traits—but boy were they good. I also confess I didn't know who had the advantage, the Chows or the rat, and I was unsure if I even wanted them chasing a live thing, however reprehensible. But after the excitement of the hunt I have to admit I was impressed with their speed and agility, yes even Chowish agility.

Now I always thought Peaches would be the one to catch something. She's a very poor specimen of a Chow, having very long legs, a non-existent cream mane, and a muscular body that would make Madonna jealous. Pantu, on the other hand is very laid back and hard to excite. But it was Pantu that ran down the rat and killed it. Thank heavens for obedience work, because on command he returned to a perfect front sit and dropped the rat at my feet. Peaches seemed so proud of him, she cleaned his face at least 10 times that night. Of course, that's anthropomorphism on my part; I really believe she was looking for left over rat hairs to lick. Ugh!

And then the problem developed. From the moment the rat leapt out, and every day since, Peaches has made a pilgrimage to the trash cans as soon as the door is opened. Doesn't matter what the weather is like or how bad her bladder is swollen, she heads right for the cans in hope that she'll catch her own rat.

Now, normally this would have occurred fairly quick considering how fast rats reproduce, but to Peaches great misfortune we were visited shortly thereafter by a large owl. We never saw the owl, but we heard him hoot, we heard the rustle of leaves and we heard his wings, which sounded like slow helicopter rotors. Wop... Wop... Wop...Wop, Wop, Wop as he took off. By the time he left he cleaned out the entire rodent population. Now Peach would never get a rat. So . . .

On Christmas morning, I sneaked Peaches present into the garage for "wrapping". Out of the pet store bag (cat section purchase) I pulled a life size fuzzy rat. It looked real! I tied 30 feet of monofilament fishing line through the nose of the fake rat and then tied the other end around a training dumbbell. I sneaked out the garage and around to the yard, in bitter cold, and planted the rat in the trash can lying on it's side in the snow. I piled loose leaves all around the rat and stretched the fishing line across the yard. (The things we do for our dogs!)

On cue, Peaches was let into the yard and went right for the cans. Pantu was drifting away to the back part of the yard when I pulled the fishing line and the rat jumped out right in front of Peaches. She froze—when the big moment came, she choked—and in the split second it took her to realize this was her big chance, Pantu flashed by like a linebacker heading for a quarterback, body slammed Peaches out of the way and nailed the fake rat. Peaches looked devastated, Pantu looked thrilled, and Patti and I looked at each other and wondered what do you do when one child steals the other's most treasured Christmas present. Peaches seems depressed, but she still goes to the trash, maybe hoping that one last Christmas rat might still be found.

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All text copyright 1995 Canis Major Publications. Permission to reprint free of charge is available.

How to Photograph Your Puppy


1.Remove film from box and load camera.
2.Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
3.Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4.Choose a suitable background for photo.
5.Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6.Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7.Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8.Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9.Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10.Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11.Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12.Put magazines back on coffee table.
13.Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14.Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15.Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16.Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17.Fix a drink.
18.Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach
puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

DOGAHOLICS ANONYMOUS


Good Evening. My name is Doris and I AM a Dogaholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of "Dogaholics Anonymous". Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a
Dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DA meeting for help. DA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. if you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

  • Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?

  • Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?

  • Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?

  • Do you spend your vacations and holidays going to shows, specialties and seminars when everyone else goes on  a cruise? If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?

  • Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?

  • Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?

  • Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?

  • Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?

  • Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?

  • Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH, and OTCH?

  • Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium lists?

  • Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?

  • If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?

  • When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have and pity them if they don't have one?

  • Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?

  • Do you find non-dog people boring?

    If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ACCORDING TO YOUR DOG...


1. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday.
2. Thou shalt teach me with food - not big sticks and loud voices.
3. Thou shalt walk with me every day - despite thy favorite TV       program.
4. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
5. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me -lest I feel un-wanted.
6. Thou shalt love me to death - even when I bark all night.
7. Thou shalt not have a Cat with ATTITUDE and CLAWS.
8. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
9. Thou shalt not hide the food.
10. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I POOP on the neighbors lawn and promote community strife.

NEW CANINE CROSSBREEDS:
The following breeds are now being considered
for recognition by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso : Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel: Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Bull Terrier + Shitzu: Bull Shitzu, a gregarious but unreliable breed

 

 

Bet You Can't Own Just One!"

Why own a dog? There's a danger you know.
You can't own just one, for the craving will grow.
There's no doubt they're addictive, wherein lies the danger.
While living with lots, you'll grow poorer and stranger.
One dog is no trouble, and two are so funny.
The third one is easy, the fourth one's a honey.
The fifth one delightful, the sixth one's a breeze,
You find you can live with a houseful with ease.
So how 'bout another? Would you really dare?
They're really quite easy but oh, Lord the hair!
With dogs on the sofa and dogs on the bed,
And crates in the kitchen, it's no bother you've said.
They're really no trouble, their manners are great.
What's just one more dog and just one more crate?
The sofa is hairy, the windows are crusty,
The floor is all footprints, the furniture dusty.
The housekeeping suffers,  but what do you care?
Who minds a few nose prints and a little more hair?
So let's keep a puppy, you can always find room,
And a little more time for the dust cloth and broom.
There's hardly a limit to the dogs you can add,
The thought of a cutback sure makes you sad.
Each one is so special, so useful, so funny.
The vet, the food bill grows larger, you owe money.
Your folks never visit, few friends come to stay,
Except other dog folks, who all live the same way.
Your lawn has now died, and your shrubs are dead too,
But your weekends are busy,  you're off with your crew.
There's dog food and vitamins,  training and shots.
And entries and travel and motels which cost lots.
Is it worth it, you wonder? Are you caught in a trap?
Then that favorite dog comes and climbs in your lap.
His look says you're special and you know that you will
Keep all of the critters in spite of the bill.
Some just for showing and some just to breed.
And some just for loving, they all fill a need.
But winter's a hassle, the dogs hate it too.
But they must have their walks
though they're numb and you're blue.
Late evening is awful, you scream and you shout
At the dogs on the sofa who refuse to go out.
The dogs and the dog shows, the travel, the thrills.
The work and the worry, the pressure, the bills.
The whole thing seems worth it, the dogs are your life.
They're charming and funny and offset the strife.
Your life-style has changed. Things won't be the same.
Yes, those dogs are addictive and so is the dog game!!

"For all those who Foster".

Thank You for bringing this foster dog into my life.
Had I not made the decision to participate in rescue,
I would never have had the chance to meet him.
If
I had sat here comfortably in my home and said,
 "I already have four dogs and I know that I couldn't take

in another - even on a temporary basis,"
 I would never have met this dog.

Yes, it takes time to rescue and foster...
but who gave me Time in the first place?
And why or what was the reason I was given Time?
To fill my own needs?
Or was there another reason ever so small
and seemingly insignificant,
like rescuing this one dog,
 that could make a difference in another's life?
Perhaps to add joy, hope, help and companionship
to another who is in need?

With great sadness, I sat down on a footstool in my
kitchen this morning
and watched as this foster dog

bounced back into the house and skidded across the
floor to sit ever so perfectly in front of me.
He was the picture of health, finally.
He was all smiles for me....
and I smiled back at his happy face.
Deep in his eyes the storm clouds of illness
and generalized poor health had blown away.
The clear light of his perfection radiated out from his beautiful soul.
He holds no ill will toward man.
He forgives us all.

I thought to myself as I impressed this one last long
look of him into my heart,
what a very fine creature You have created.
Tears slowly pooled and spilled over

my cheekbones as the deeper realization of how
wonderful this dog is sank into my internal file
cabinet of Needful Things to Remember.
 Lord, he's a dog - but he's a better human being than I am.

He has forgiven quickly. Would I do the same?
He passionately enjoys the simple things in life.
I have often overlooked them.
He accepts change and gets on with his life.
I fuss and worry about change.

He lives today and loves today.
 I often dwell in the past or worry about the future.

He loves no matter what. I am not that free.
This very lovely dog has gone to his new home today
and already I miss him.
Thank You for bringing this dog into my life.
And thank You for the beautiful and

tender lesson on how to be a better human.
 

Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect


VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across   the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- alot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.


A Poem for the New Puppy Owner

Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants.
Don't steal food or underpants.
Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair . . .
DON'T RIP THE STUFFING FROM THAT CHAIR!
Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush!
Don't chew my shoes ... What IS that mush?
Eat your cookie, drink your drink.
Outta the toilet! Outta the sink!!
AWAY FROM THE CAT BOX, IT'S FOR THE CAT!!
(And MUST you kiss me? After that???)
Yes, raising a puppy is not for the lazy!
Though puppies are funny, they're also quite crazy.
But don't despair, though its toil and strife.
After 3 years, you'll get back your life!
So, let's go for "walkies", you can "do your thing".
(And perhaps I'll get back my GOOD DIAMOND RING!)

SPRING FEVER NOW

S lacking off on training, all the winter long
P ups are wild & ornery, everything seems wrong
Rest assured our spring will come, with lotsa work to do
I n case you've forgotten beneath the snow is tons & tons of poo
Needing runs & exercise, our dogs are getting chubby
G ranted we love our Boxers dearly, but not when they are blubbery
F ix your fences, practice recalls, limber up your legs
Even well-trained pooches run, when springtime breezes beg
Venting all their stored up pep, with enthusiasm bold
Enclosed no more within 4 walls, our Boxers may explode
R each for towels to wipe their feet off, it's muddy footprint time
Needing baths now more than ever, isn't it sublime?
O h for those quiet, housebound nights, Boxers sleeping in your arms
Winter's long & cold & nasty, but does have it's cuddly charms!

 

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Updated 12-21-03