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15 MINUTES OF FAME -
By Marty Becker, DVM
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I dashed out an exit at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago and ran
towards a waiting cab. I was greeted by a cab driver with a three day old
beard, an old baseball cap and arms the size of tree trunks.
As he tossed my bags into the trunk, he spotted my luggage tags and said,
"What kind of doctor are you?" "A veterinarian," I said.
Instantly, his grizzled face broke into a smile. This happens to
veterinarians all the time, as people love to talk to about their pets. The
doors slammed, he put the car into gear and hit me with this opening salvo,
"My wife claims I love my toy poodle Missy more than I love her. Just
once, she wants me to be as excited to see her as I am Missy. But doc, it
ain't gonna happen. Ya see, when I get home from a long day in the cab, dead
tired, I open the door and there are the two of them looking at me, Ma and
Missy. Ma has a scowl on her face and is ready to tear into me. Missy, on
the other hand, is shaking all over, she's that happy -her face is grinning
so wide, she could eat a banana sideways. Now who do you think I'm going to
run to?"
I nodded my head in agreement because I understood only too well what his
point was. He loved his wife, but he simply wanted permission to savor his
15 minutes of fame. Everybody gets 15 minutes of fame once in their
lifetime. Obviously, he didn't have pets. We pet owners get our 15 minutes
every time we come home - or even return from the next room.
A few days after I saw the cab driver in Chicago, I returned home. I was
tired from my travels and looking forward to seeing my family.
Pulling into the driveway, I peered through the windshield, straining to
catch my first glimpse of my loved ones. My two children, Mikkel and Lex,
are very close to good ol' dad but I didn't see their faces pressed
against the window looking for me. Nor did my beloved wife, Teresa, come
running in super slow motion across the yard, arms open wide ready to
embrace me. But I didn't despair. I knew I was still wanted, a Hollywood
heartthrob, hometown hero to my two dogs, Scooter, a wirehaired Fox Terrier
and, Sirloin, a black Labrador retriever! As soon as I exited the pickup,
Sirloin and Scooter charged to meet me. Their love-filled eyes were dancing
with excitement, and their tail turbo chargers whipped them into a delighted
frenzy of fur. Was this affection connection routine, ho-hum for me? Was I
cool, calm and collected?
Heck no. I turned into a blithering idiot as I got out of my truck and
rushed to meet the hairy-princess, Scooter, and Sirloin, the fur-king.
There I stood, all the false layers stripped away, masks removed and
performances cancelled. It was my true self. Extra pounds, bad hair day,
angry people, travel strains, no matter. Scooter and Sirloin came to the
emotional rescue and allowed me to drink in the sheer love and joy of the
moment. I was drunk with contentment. I was glad this took place in the
privacy of my own home. What happened next might have spoiled my polished
professional image. I immediately smiled, and raised my voice an
octave or two, exclaiming, "Sirloin, yuz is daaaaddies boy, aren't ya?"
And, "Scooter, have you been a good girl today? Yeah you have, you've
been a goooood girl!!" They responded by turning inside out with
delight, pressing themselves against my legs and talking to me. I felt as if
I could tap directly into their wellspring of positive, healing energy. Gee,
it was great to be home! I bounded up the steps to find the rest of the
family, heart open, stress gone and spirits restored by my fifteen minutes
of fame.
|
| ONE BY
ONE - Leslie Whalen 2/01 |
One by
One, they pass by my cage,
Too old, too worn, too broken, no way.
Way past his time, he can't run and play. Then
they shake their heads slowly and go on their way.
A little old man, arthritic and sore,
It seems I am not wanted anymore.
I once had a home, I once had a bed,
A place that was warm, and where I was fed.
Now my muzzle is grey, and my eyes slowly fail.
Who wants a dog so old and so frail?
My family decided I didn't belong,
I got in their way, my attitude was wrong.
Whatever excuse they made in their head, Can't
justify how they left me for dead. Now I sit in
this cage, where day after day,
The younger dogs get adopted away.
When I had almost come to the end of my rope,
You saw my face, and I finally had hope. You
saw thru the grey, and the legs bent with age,
And felt I still had life beyond this cage.
You took me home, gave me food and a bed, And
shared your own pillow with my poor tired head.
We snuggle and play, and you talk to me low,
You love me so dearly, you want me to know.
I may have lived most of my life with another,
But you outshine them with a love so much stronger.
And I promise to return all the love I can give,
To you, my dear person, as long as I live.
I may be with you for a week, or for years, We
will share many smiles, you will no doubt shed tears.
And when the time comes that God deems I must leave,
I know you will cry and your heart, it will grieve.
And when I arrive at the Bridge, all brand new,
My thoughts and my heart will still be with you.
And I will brag to all who will hear,
Of the person who made my last days so dear.
|
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Eyeing hydrants,
digging holes,
Drinking from the toilet bowls....
Playing games of tug o'war,
Putting scratch marks on your door....
Rolling over, Playing dead,
Getting dog hair on your bed....
Scaring folks who bring the mail,
Chasing cars, as well as tails,
Barking, begging, heeling, howling,
And also, on occasion, growling....
Romping through a filed of grass,
Sneezing, snoozing, passing gas...
Sniffing everything we see,
Peeing on the Christmas tree...
Woofing, wagging, chomping, chewing....
These are things we sure love doing!
(But we'll try not to do that tree thing....)
Happy Holidays,
|
Thought everyone would
enjoy this...., the earthdog Barbie is pretty funny!
Obedience Barbie: Barbie comes with a training bag full of gear, a set
of
utility articles, a full set of regulation obedience jumps, her own
lawn chair, cooler, a subscription to Front and Finish, and her very
own obedience Golden Retriever "OTCh Sparklepond's Shorestepper's Heelalong
Fool" better known as "Two-hundred". Accessories
such as HIT ribbons and high scoring club plaques can be purchased separately.
Tracking Judge Barbie: Barbie comes with a polartec snowsuit, Gore-Tex
raingear and boots, wool socks, leather tracking gloves, silk long
underwear, sunscreen, bug spray, a baseball cap, a waterproof
clipboard, mylar paper and space pens in three colors. She also comes
with whistles in two different colors to match he snowsuit and rain
gear, a complete set of tracking flags, a compass, and a set of 12
different tracking articles. Unlike most Barbies, this Barbie always
has a "bad hair day" so it's best to leave a hood or
the baseball cap over her hair at all times. Included in the deluxe version
is Barbie's tracking dog "Pokealong's Can't Find Squat
TD", or "Sniffer", a Siberian Husky who comes with his
own harness and rope as well as a lifetime supply of hot dogs. Sniffer
has been known to eat start articles with one gulp and turn the start
lag into a large toy at
TDX tests, grabbing it in his mouth and running in large circles
around the
field especially when there is a large audience watching). This
version also comes with a case of Valium for Tracking Judge Barbie for
this very reason. This is the most expensive Barbie and most
collectors prefer to leave her in the original box.
Earthdog Barbie: Barbie comes with her very own monogrammed shovel, a
custom-built liner for training, and a cage with three live rats. Also
included are several pair of jeans, flannel shirts, t-shirts, rain
gear, sunscreen, bug spray, and waterproof boots. Barbie comes with
several small terriers (you choose the breed) and two first aid kits
(one for the dogs when they get in fights, and one for Barbie when she
gets her hand in the way) as well as a .38 revolver for emergencies
(don't ask). This version of Barbie can be removed from the box but
some collectors prefer to leave the terriers in the original box.
Herding Barbie: This very popular Barbie comes with her very own
authentic drover coat, Stetson cowboy hat, several pair of cowboy
boots, waterproof boots for very inclement weather, silk long johns,
wool socks, and an monogrammed staff. Much like Tracking Judge Barbie,
this version of Barbie has perpetual "bad hair", so be
prepared to
leave the cowboy hat on at all times. Also included is her very own
monogrammed stretcher so that she can be carried out of the arena when
the sheep run over her. Barbie comes with her own Sheltie, "Round
'em
Up's Chaser HI", or "Yapper". "Yapper" comes
with her own gold-plated
chain so that she can be hooked up to the barbed wire fence with all
the Cattle Dogs and Border Collies (barbed wire fence not
included.
Barbie also comes with several sheep, cows, and ducks, making her one
of the more expensive Barbies.
Agility Barbie: Unlike most slim, attractive versions of Barbie, this
Barbie is quite muscular from hauling very heavy A-Frames,
Teeter-Totters, and dog walks. She can carry an A-frame panel with one
arm and set up all of the contact obstacles single-handedly. Barbie
comes complete with a full set of agility equipment, lawn chair,
cooler, stopwatch, battery operated fans, an open-sided tent for
shade, sunscreen, bug-spray, rain suit, waterproof boots, 57 different
agility rule books for all occasions, and her very own courier (Ken)
who can hand deliver agility entries to the most popular trials and
stand in line for Barbie. Ken also helps set up the equipment. Barbie
also
comes with her own agility dog, Border Collie "U-Atch Runaround's
Speed
Demon AX, AXJ, etc, etc, etc, BFD", or "Contact".
Trailer for hauling
agility equipment sold separately.
And last, but not least, the most popular one of all is the Dog Club
President Barbie, who comes with TWO cases of Miss Clairol hair color
(to color her own gray hair), a monogrammed strait jacket, a
leather-bound copy of "Robert's Rules of Order", and a
gold-plated
gavel. The gavel unscrews at the end and is secretly 357 magnum which
can be used to keep unruly club member under control or just get rid
of
them all together! Four wheel drive Sport Utility Vehicles and Mini
Vans complete with dog crates are sold separately for all versions of
Barbie. For Barbies with bullmastiffs, a higher-priced
full-sized conversion van with the rear seats removed is an
alternative option!!
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If a Dog were your Teacher |
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You would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be
pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest-practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
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The Princess and the Toad
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Some years ago, our
family expanded to include a one-year-old Siberian husky named
Princess Misha. Like all Siberian huskies, Misha had an innate love
of the outdoors, and of course, the cooler the better. She would lie
curled up in a ball on top of a snowdrift on the coldest of winter days
with her tail flicked over her only vulnerable spot -- her nose.
When fresh snow fell, she would lay so still that she soon
disappeared under a blanket
of snow and became a part of the landscape. Every so often, she stood up, shook
off, turned in a few circles, and then laid back down to keep watch over her
domain.
On warm summer days, she found the coolest corner in the house and spent her
days napping. Then after her nightly walk, she'd spend the rest of the
evening stretched out on the cool cement of the front patio. All through
the hot summers and into the fall, this was her nightly ritual.
One summer evening, as we sat out on the front patio relishing a
late-evening breeze, we saw a small toad hop out of the grass, then down
the sidewalk to a few feet away from where Misha was lying.
Suddenly Misha stood up, walked over to the toad, picked it up in
her mouth and then walked back to her resting place and lay back
down. She then put her chin down on the walk, opened her mouth and
let the toad hop out while we watched
in astonishment. The toad sat there in front of Misha's eyes, the
two seeming to stare at one another for some time. Then the toad
hopped down the walk and back into the grass.
On other nights that summer, we noticed this same ritual. We commented on
the fact that Misha seemed to have a fondness for toads. We worried because
some toads can be poisonous, but since she never experienced any ill effect and
never hurt them, we didn't interfere. If she spotted a toad in the street on
one of her walks, she would actually run over to it and nudge it with her nose
till it had safely hopped off the street and back on to
the grass, out of harm's way.
The following summer was the same. Misha enjoyed cooling off by lying out
on the front patio after nightfall. Many times, we noticed a toad within inches
of her face. At other times, we watched as she walked into the grass and came
back to her resting spot with a toad in her mouth, only to release it. The
toads always stayed near her for some time before hopping off into the
night. The only difference from the previous summer was that she spent more
nights in this manner, and the toads were bigger. A toad always seemed
to be close at hand.
One night early in the third summer, after letting Misha out, we watched
as a large toad hopped out of the grass and over to her, stopping inches in
front of her. Misha gently laid her head down so that her nose almost touched
the toad. That was when it finally dawned on us -- perhaps there was just one
toad! Could Misha have shared the past three summers with the same toad? We
called a local wildlife expert who told us that toads
can live three to six years, so it was entirely possible. Somehow these
two unlikely companions had formed a bond. At first it seemed so strange to us.
But then we realized we were very different from Misha too, but the love
between us seemed completely natural. If she could love us, we marveled, why
not a toad? I have to share this, it's lovely.
Misha had a minor operation that summer, and we kept her indoors for a
while afterwards to recuperate. Each night she went to the front door
and asked to be let out, but we didn't let her. Instead, leash in hand,
we took her for short walks. One evening a few days later, I went to the front
door to turn on the porch light for guests we were expecting. When the light
came on illuminating the front stoop, there, to my utter amazement, sat Toad
(as we came to call him), staring up at me through the screen door! He had
hopped up the three steps from the patio, and we supposed he was looking for
Misha. Such devotion could not be denied. We let Misha out to be with
her pal. She immediately picked the toad up in her mouth and took it
down the steps where she and Toad stayed nose to nose until we
brought her in for the night. After that, if Misha didn't come out soon enough,
Toad frequently came to the door to get her. We made sure that the
porch light was turned on before dark and posted a big sign on the porch,
"Please don't step on the toad!"
We often laughed about the incongruous friendship -- they did make a
comical sight, gazing into each other's eyes. But their devotion sometimes made
me wonder if I should regard them so lightly. Maybe it was more than just
friendship. Maybe in her stalwart toad, Princess Misha had found her
Prince Charming. |
|
A Full Service Vet |
A client brought a litter
of golden retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their
box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from
the rest.
So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each
dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown
silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and
whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too." |
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T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS |
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T'was the night before Christmas, when all
through the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.The stockings
were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be
there.The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With no thought of the dog
filling their head.
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, Knew he was cold, but didn't care
about that.When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed
to see what was the matter.Away to the window I flew like a flash, figuring the
dog was free of his chain and into the trash.The moon on the breast of the
new-fallen snow, gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Santa Claus - with eyes full of
tears.He unchained the dog, once so lively and quick. Last year's Christmas
present, now painfully thin and sick.More rapid than eagles he called the dogs
name.And the dog ran to him, despite all his pain.
Then Santa did quote: Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET!
On CUPID! On, DONDER and BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Let's find this dog a home where
he'll beloved by all! I knew in an instant there would be no gifts this year, for
Santa Claus had made one thing quite clear. The gift of a dog is not just for the
season, We had gotten the pup for all the wrong reasons. In our haste to think of
a gift for the kids, there was one important thing that we missed. A dog should be
family, and cared for the same. You don't give a gift, then put it on a chain. And
I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, You weren't giving a gift! You were
giving a life! |
| CHRISTMAS RETURNS |
Santa comes quietly
long before dawn;
While shops are still busy and lights are still on.
While dinners are cooking and kitchens are warm,
And children count presents they'll open by morn.
He slips past the trees in windows aglow;
Through the gate to the backyard as icy winds blow.
To find the pup he brought last year chained up in the snow.
And, kneeling, he whispers, Are you ready to go?
There are too many stops like this one tonight.
Before the beginning of his regular flight.
He leaves not a note or footprint in sight.
Just an unbuckled collar; On a cold Christmas night..... |
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Guard Dogs
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A man who wanted a dog to protect his
business, visited a kennel that
specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner
that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel,
and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large
dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd
be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad,"
replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they
found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the
two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better
in mind for you."
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large
dog,
panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt.
He seemed unaware of the men's approach. "This is the dog I had in mind for
you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!"
he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act
like an attack dog." "I know he appears tame now," said the owner.
"But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of
his mouth." |
| Only people
owned by dogs may read this. |
|
A man and his dog were walking along a
road. The man was
enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was
dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years .
He wondered where the road was
leading them.
After a while they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of
the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it
was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch
that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate
looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a
man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out,
"Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man
answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of
course,
sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The
man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my dog come in too?" the
traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.
"The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and
continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to
a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never
been closed. There
was no fence.
As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree
and reading a book. "Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you
have any
water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to
a
place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate.
"Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler
gestured to the
dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump. "They went through the gate
and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl
beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself.
Then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was
standing by then, waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the
traveler
asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's
confusing," the
traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven too."
"Oh,
you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.
That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No.
I
can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen
out the folks who'll leave their dogs behind."
|
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HEAVEN'S DOGGY-DOOR - Jan Cooper 1995
(May be reproduced without permission) |
|
My best friend closed her eyes last night,
As her head was in my hand.
The Doctors said she was in pain,
And it was hard for her to stand,
The thoughts that scurried through my head,
As I cradled her in my arms,
Were of her younger, puppy years,
And Oh...her many charms.
Today, there was no gentle nudge
With an intense "I love you" gaze,
Only a heart that's filled with tears
Remembering our joy filled days.
But an Angel just appeared to me,
And he said, "you should cry no more."
GOD also loves our canine friends,
HE's installed a "doggy-door"!
|
| Your
Dog Deserves TV That Smells By DAVE BARRY |
|
Published
Friday, February 5, 1999, in the Miami Herald
& ARTS Cartoon by Jeff MacNelly
Do dogs understand television? This is a question that has puzzled humanity
since the days of the ancient Greeks. It is also the topic of an article sent
in by alert reader Gwen Larriega from the February issue of Dog Fancy magazine
(suggested motto: ``For People Who Take Dogs Way Too Seriously'').
According to the article, headlined ``Can They Really Watch TV?'', some dog
owners claim their dogs watch television, especially when it is showing ``other
dogs, wolves or horses, large cats, birds and deer,'' and that often the dogs
respond by ``running behind the set to see if the animals are there.'' This
behavior is further proof, as if we needed any, that dogs are in the same
intelligence category as saltines. Because of course there are no animals
behind the television set. The animals live inside the picture tube, and you
youngsters out there should feed them by pushing cold cuts through the VCR
slot. But the point is that dogs do watch TV, and they are not always
impressed. The Dog Fancy article states that some owners ``described their dogs
as disliking commercials or talk shows, responding to these broadcasts by
growling, head-butting or biting the screen.'' I can relate to dogs on this
issue. I react in a similar manner, especially to the following type of
commercial: ``Hi, I'm a trusted celebrity such as Dennis Miller, Michael Jordan
or the late Jimmy Stewart. I make millions of dollars, so you can be sure I
spend a lot of time analyzing long-distance telephone rates. Did you know what
by dialing 10-10-23-3499404956587054645, you can save as much as 37 percent if
you call on Thursday evenings during Lent and are a joint taxpayer filing
singly? Well it's true! At least that's what my script says. I have a staff, so
I have not personally dialed a telephone in 12 years. Remember: To save money,
simply dial ``10,'' followed by ``10,'' followed by ``23,''followed by
``3499404956587054645. Or maybe it's 3499404956587054646. It's something like
that. A humorous remark goes here. Where's my check?'' When I see one of these
commercials -- which is always followed almost immediately by ANOTHER trusted
celebrity pushing ANOTHER long-distance number -- I often find myself
head-butting the TV screen. As you can imagine, this upsets the wolves. But
getting back to the issue: It seems to me that for dogs to become truly
interested in TV, the programming would have to include the element of smell.
Smelling is very big, for dogs.
If you're walking your dog, and you pass a spot on the ground where any other
dog, any time in the history of the world, has left a smell, your dog
will want to sniff that spot for approximately the rest of its life. You will
need an industrial forklift to pry your dog off that spot. Why? Because your
dog's nose is an amazingly complex organ, that's why. Your dog appears to
simply be sniffing the same stupid smell over and over again, but in fact its
nose is performing a sophisticated olfactory analysis, then transmitting the
resulting data to your dog's brain, thus producing a pattern of neural firings
that can be translated, roughly, as: ``Hey! A smell!'' Recently I spent a week
dog-sitting my in-laws' dog, Daisy, who is a beagle, which means she is,
biologically, a nose with feet. She spent the entire week trying to locate a
cat that hangs out in our yard. Every time I took her outside, she'd race
around the yard, nose to the ground, whimpering, detecting cat clues.
Meanwhile, the actual cat, in
person, would be sitting on a low wall, very cool, watching Daisy. Sometimes
Daisy would be within three feet of the cat, wildly excited, sniffing the
ground so hard that she was sucking ants into her nostrils. I'd point right at
the cat and say, ``LOOK, Daisy! There it is! The cat!'' But Daisy ignored me.
Her attitude was, ``I have no time to look at a cat, you idiot! I'm hot on the
trail of a cat!'' Meanwhile, the cat is shaking its head, thinking, ``No wonder
they drink out of toilets.'' So if television is going to really reach dogs,
particularly the beagle demographic, it needs more odors. I don't see why we
couldn't develop a TV that, in addition to picture and sound, emitted smells
through a hole at the bottom of the set. That way, if you're watching, say, a
police drama, and there's a shootout, and one of the good guys is lying on the
sidewalk, critically wounded, whispering his last, deeply touching words to his
partner, your dog could go to the hole and find out how the sidewalk smelled.
There could even be dog-oriented commercials, whereby advertisers would reward
dog viewers with popular smells if they followed simple commands (``Nose the
receiver off the hook! Good boy! Now press 10-10...''). In conclusion, I think
all dog lovers should write to the TV industry and DEMAND programming with a
higher smell content (insert your Jerry Springer joke here). I also want to
stress to you young impressionable readers out there that I was just kidding
about putting cold cuts into the VCR. You should use ice cream. Otherwise Bambi
will die. Thank you. |
|
How Many Dogs Does It Take
To Change A Light Bulb?
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Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the
day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that darned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and
furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the
time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark!
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question
is: How long will it be before I can expect light? |
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Wrapping Presents with Puppy |
1. Gather
presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is
getting in the way as it "helps".
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to
hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no
longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to
eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with
remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they
are. |
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PUPPY PIE |
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Take one puppy,
roll and play until lightly pampered,
then add the following ingredients ...
1 cup patience ...
1 cup understanding ...
1 pinch correction ...
1 cup hard work ...
2 cups praise and 1-1/2 cups fun ...
blend well.
Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and dog are one. |
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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie |
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One afternoon, I was in the backyard
raking leaves when an old,
tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked
into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell
asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him
out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in
the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon
your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to
his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to
catch up on his sleep." |
Two handsome male dogs are walking down the street with a homely male dog.
Suddenly they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to
reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The
males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for
just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to
be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words
"liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative,
intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver
and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That
shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall,
shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My,
my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as
the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and
says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco
Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever
and the Lab and says?????????????????? (READY?)
v
v
v
v
v
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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Updated 01-12-04 |
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