CanineJustForFunB

Just For Fun 2!!!

Dog Show by Dave Barry

Recently it was my great honor to serve as a judge in the Key West Kritter Patrol Dog Show, which is considered one of the most prestigious dog shows held in the entire Key West area on that particular weekend. This is not one of those dog shows in which serious, highly competitive dog snobs enter professional dogs that can trace their lineage back 153 generations and basically spend their entire lives sitting around being groomed and fed, like Zsa Zsa Gabor. The Key West show -- it benefits the Kritter Patrol, a local group that finds people to adopt stray dogs and cats -- reflects the relaxed attitude of Key West, where the term ``business attire'' means ``wearing some kind of clothing.'' This is a show for regular civilian dogs, most of whom, if you had to identify them, technically, by breed, would fall under the category of: ``probably some kind of dog.''

These are not pampered show animals, but hard-working, highly productive dogs that spend their days industriously carrying out the vital ongoing dog mission of sniffing every object in the world, and then, depending on how it smells, either (a) barking at it; (b) eating it; (c) attempting to mate with it; (d) making weewee on it; or, in the case of small, excitable dogs, (e) all of the above.

When I arrived at the show, the last-minute preparations were proceeding with the smooth efficiency of a soccer riot. There were dozens of dogs on hand, ranging in size from what appeared to be cotton swabs with eyeballs, all the way up to Hound of the Baskervilles. Naturally every single one of
these dogs, in accordance with the strict rules of dog etiquette, was dragging its owner around by the leash, trying to get a whiff of every other dog's personal region. This process was complicated by the fact that many of the dogs were wearing costumes, so they could compete in the Dog and Owner Look-Alike category. (There are a number of categories in this
show, and most of the dogs compete in most of them.) Many owners were also wearing costumes, including one man with an extremely old, totally motionless, sleeping Chihuahua; the man had very elaborately dressed both the dog and himself as (Why not?) butterflies. The man wore a sequined pantsuit, antennae, and a huge pair of wings. ``Look at that!'' I said to the other judges, pointing to the butterfly man. `Oh, that's Frank,'' several judges answered, as if this explained everything.

Perhaps you are concerned that I, a humor columnist with no formal training or expertise in the field of dogs, was on the judging panel. You will be relieved to know that there were also two professional cartoonists, Mike (``Mother Goose and Grimm'') Peters and Jeff (``Shoe'') MacNelly, both of whom have drawn many expert cartoons involving dogs. Another judge, named
Edith, actually did seem to know a few things about dogs, but I believe she was not totally 100 percent objective, inasmuch as her own dog, Peggy, was entered in most of the events. Edith consistently gave Peggy very high ratings despite the fact that Peggy is -- and I say this with great affection and respect -- the ugliest dog in world history. I think she might actually be some kind of highly experimental sheep. Nevertheless, thanks in part to Edith's high marks, Peggy did very well in several
categories, and actually won the Trick Dog category, even though her trick consisted of -- I swear this was the whole trick -- trying to kick off her underpants.

Actually, that was a pretty good trick, considering the competition. The majority of the dogs entered in the Trick Dog event did not actually perform a trick per se. Generally, the owner would bring the dog up onto the stage and wave a dog biscuit at it, or play a harmonica, or gesture, or babble (``C'mon, Ralph! C'mon boy! Sing! C'mon! Woooee! C'mon! Wooooooeeee! C'mon!'') in an increasingly frantic but generally futile effort to get the dog to do whatever trick it was supposed to do, while the dog either looked on with mild interest, or attempted to get off the stage and mate with the next contestant. My personal favorite in the Trick Dog category went to a very small, very excited poodle named Bunny whose trick, as far as I could tell, consisted entirely of jumping up and down and making weewee on a towel.

As you can imagine, it was not easy serving as a judge with so many strong contestants, both on the stage and hiding under the judges' table. Nevertheless, when it was all over, approximately 43 hours after it started, we had to pick one dog as Best in Show. It was a big decision, and although there was a strong and objective push for Peggy, we decided, after agonizing for close to three-tenths of a second, to give the top prize to Sam, the old, totally motionless, sleeping Chihuahua dressed as a butterfly to match his owner, Frank. Frank got quite emotional when he accepted the trophy, and we judges were touched, although we did ask Frank to make Sam
move his paw so we could see that he was, in fact, sleeping, and not actually deceased. Because you have to have standards.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the
earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food
for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that
man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so
that the dog might
or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to
keep the dog healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to
walk the dog

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both pass gas shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

The TOP TWELVE things your dog would say if it could talk:

12." But it SMELLS like food."
11. "The cat did it.
10. "What say we all drive down to Petsmart? "
9. "Tell me about this 'heat' thing."
8. "Mind if I sit here?"
7. "You gonna eat ALL of that?"
6." Smell? I don't smell anything."
5. "Think I could see a menu?"
4." FETCH THIS!"
3. "Next time, I pick the bitch!"
2. "This isn't a mess, it's Ambience."
and the number one thing your dog would say...

1. "YOU'RE GOING TO CUT OFF MY WHAT??!!"

"There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to other animals as well as humans, it is all a sham."

Walkin' in A Doggie Wonderland
(To the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow, dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, Man,
So all the world will know that it is mine! Mine!! Mine!!!

Straight from me, to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF. . .This small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland!"

The Dog's all had a Meeting

The dogs all had a meeting,
They came from near and far.
Some came by public transport,
Some came by car,

But before they were allowed
To enter in the hall,
Each had to hang his Butt hole
On a hook upon the wall.

They all got nicely seated,
Each mother, son and sire.
When a dirty little yellow dog,
Began to holler, 'FIRE'!

They all jumped up together,
They had no time to look.
And each grabbed at random,
A butt hole from a hook.

This got their butt holes all mixed up,
And made them very sore.
To wear another butt hole,
They hadn't worn before.

And that's the reason why a dog,
Will even leave a bone,
To smell another butt hole,
In the hope to find his own.

Old Yorkshire Dog Poem

PET LOVER

I'm certain I could write a book about pet lovers' joys.
I've bought the latest special food and clever squeaky toys.
I've had my covers hogged at night and slept in awkward poses,
Been snored at, drooled on, prodded, poked, and wakened by cold noses.
I've found my patience tested (and a few more new phrases coined),
I've had my heartstrings tugged and my potato chips purloined...
I've overlooked a few faux "paws" with flower beds and plants
And grown resigned to pulls and snags in my best pair of pants.
Which brings me to the question that so often troubles me--
Am I the proud pet owner or the humble pet ownee?

Haiku stands as one of the great cultural gifts of the East.
This wonderful poetic form in which a universal moment is
captured in just three short lines of 5-7-5 syllables,
bespeaks the magnificent skill of brevity.

Dog Haiku
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog butts-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paperboy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Mailman Fiend-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Meter reader-come to kill all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Neighbor's cat-come to kill us all!
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Wiz on each bush. Hello, Spot -
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain -
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot - no greater bliss - well,
Maybe catching cats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad-she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence-why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

You may call them fleas,
But they are far more -I call
Them a vocation

My owners' mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet.

Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer
Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio
Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces

The Aries Dog Mar. 21 - Apr. 19

The Aries Dog is adventurous and energetic, always exploring new
areas. Aries dogs love to go for walks and their pioneering nature leads
them in new directions. Their confidence and impulsiveness sometimes
gets them into precarious situations, whether it be following a squirrel
into bramble or into a pond after a stick. But the Aries dog will always
firmly and boldly assert himself and dive headlong into another escapade, especially if it's with that little mutt from across town that always seems to find the good sticks.

The Taurus Dog Apr. 20 - May 20

The Taurus Dog is loving and cuddly. Taurus dogs are patient and
reliable, always putting up with their owner's foibles and habits. They
love to lay in front of a fire or curled on a blanket. The Taurus dog
relishes time with his owner and is a little jealous of others who interrupt
that special time. Taurus dogs are quiet and peaceful and are most
comfortable when all is well and secure in their world, especially if
there's a bone nearby.

The Gemini Dog May 21 - Jun. 21

The Gemini Dog is a lively dog that gets along anywhere and in any
situation. Gemini dogs love to communicate with their owners excited to share a recent discovery or observation. No matter how old they are, Gemini dogs are always youthful and exuberant. Inquisitive and
sometimes a little devilish, the Gemini dog is versatile and adaptive and
absolutely loves double fire hydrants.

The Cancer Dog Jun. 22 - Jul. 22

The Cancer Dog is protective and caring. Woe be to the burglar that
chooses the home of a Cancer dog. Cancer dogs are emotional and
intuitive; they know what's on their owner's mind even before the owner. Cancer dogs are also sensitive and tender. They're also the most sympathetic of all dogs, intuitively feeling what their owners feel.
Unfortunately, the same is not true for the mailperson.

The Leo Dog Jul. 23 - Aug. 22

The Leo Dog is powerful and faithful. They are enthusiastic and full of
energy. Leo dogs head pell mell into every activity, from running to
fetching. They even sleep with gusto and elan. Leo dogs are convinced
they are the masters of all they survey and while they are generous and
warm-hearted, they are the boss. Above all, Leo dogs are faithful and
loyal to their owners, except where cats might be involved.

The Virgo Dog Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

The Virgo Dog is modest and a little shy. While the Virgo dog knows
he's handsome and attractive, he's reluctant to prance about showing
off. The Virgo dog is also reliable and diligent. Given a task, the Virgo
dog carries it out fully and faithfully, but turns bashful in the face of
lavish praise. Virgo dogs are happy lying in the sun watching their
families happy around them. Of course, the Virgo dog overcomes his natural shyness the minute there's a mention of dog treats.

The Libra Dog Sep. 23 - Oct. 23

The Libra Dog is easygoing and sociable. Libra dogs are relaxed and at
home at both extravagant soires and small intimate gatherings. They
are happy moving among guests at the largest parties or curled up by
the coffee table at high tea. The important thing for Libra dogs is to be
out and about, among people, other dogs, anyplace social. Libra dogs
are laid back and happy. Not much excites them, except that little French poodle on the next block.

The Scorpio Dog Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

The Scorpio Dog is determined and focused. Scorpio dogs will always
accomplish whatever it is they set their minds to. They are also
passionate and forceful dogs, relishing every activity, even as they
exhaust themselves having fun at it. Scorpio dogs can be intense; they
have been known to stare at a rabbit in the yard for hours at a time,
while trapped inside, never moving from their window perch. Except, of course when the dinner bell rings.

The Sagittarius Dog Nov. 23 - Dec. 21

The Sagittarius Dog is carefree and freedom-loving. Sagittarius dogs
love wide open spaces and the ability to explore them. They are happy
and good-humored dogs who love to romp and play with their owners.
Sagittarius dogs are open and honest, never hiding how they feel, which
is usually happy and jovial. Sagittarius dogs are happiest when they are
in an open field with an owner to throw a ball.

The Capricorn Dog Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

The Capricorn Dog is patient and careful. Capricorn dogs seem to
know that good things come to dogs that wait. That may explain why
they sit so quietly by their owners in the kitchen. The Capricorn dog is
meticulous and particular. He sleeps in a certain place, likes certain
toys and patrols the yard in a certain way. The Capricorn dog is also
very disciplined, except when it comes to enjoying liver snacks.

The Aquarius Dog Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

The Aquarius Dog is friendly and loyal. Aquarius dogs are most likely to hang with you in the den while you watch TV, or lay under the hammock while you enjoy a warm summer day. Aquarius dogs can also be independent and inventive, looking for new and different ways to retrieve that ball under the couch, for example. The Aquarius dog is a true pal in every sense, unless his owner forgets mealtime.

The Pisces Dog Feb. 19 - Mar. 20

The Pisces Dog is a kind and loving dog. They have a giving nature, and are very caring dogs. They make great rescue dogs, and they love
riding up on the seat of a fire engine. Because of their selfless nature
they are easygoing around the house, never upset to make any
changes to please his owner. They are easy to train and love to go for
long walks. Especially if those walks lead to a park.

Subject: DOG PROVERBS

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little
puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead"
-- Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing
right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his
water bowl."
-- Penny Ward Moser

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage."
-- Danish Proverb

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx.

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or
fight its enemies is lunch."
-- Michael Friedman

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all
night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-- Unknown

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers." -- Unknown

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
--Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

-- Joe Weinstein

"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person
with pets." -- Nora Ephro

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."

-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
--Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail.."

-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."

-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself." -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the
last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion"
-- Unknown

"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and
your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain

"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the
better for it."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where
they went."

-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great
Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are
nuts."
-- John Steinbeck

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives."
-- Rita Rudner

DOGS ARE THE ONLY RELATIVES YOU GET TO CHOOSE

"For all those who Foster".

Thank You for bringing this foster dog into my life.
Had I not made the decision to participate in rescue,
I would never have had the chance to meet him. IfI had sat here comfortably in my home and said, "I already have four dogs and I know that I couldn't take
in another - even on a temporary basis," I would never have met this dog.

Yes, it takes time to rescue and foster... but who gave me Time in the first place? And why or what was the reason I was given Time? To fill my own needs? Or was there another reason ever so small and seemingly insignificant, like rescuing this one dog, that could make a difference in another's life? Perhaps to add joy, hope, help and companionship to another who is in need?

With great sadness, I sat down on a footstool in my
kitchen this morning and watched as this foster dog
bounced back into the house and skidded across the
floor to sit ever so perfectly in front of me. He was the picture of health, finally. He was all smiles for me.... and I smiled back at his happy face. Deep in his eyes the storm clouds of illness and generalized poor health had blown away. The clear light of his perfection radiated out from his beautiful soul. He holds no ill will toward man. He forgives us all.

I thought to myself as I impressed this one last long
look of him into my heart, what a very fine creature You have created. Tears slowly pooled and spilled over
my cheekbones as the deeper realization of how
wonderful this dog is sank into my internal file
cabinet of Needful Things to Remember. Lord, he's a dog - but he's a better human being than I am.

He has forgiven quickly. Would I do the same?

He passionately enjoys the simple things in life.
I have often overlooked them.

He accepts change and gets on with his life. I fuss and worry about change.

He lives today and loves today. I often dwell in the past or worry about the future.

He loves no matter what. I am not that free.

This very lovely dog has gone to his new home today
and already I miss him. Thank You for bringing this dog into my life. And thank You for the beautiful and
tender lesson on how to be a better human.

The Wolf Dance

Native American Lore

I wanted to give something of my past to my grandson. So I took him into the woods, to a quiet spot. Seated at my feet he listened as I told him of the powers that were given to each creature. He moved not a muscle as I explained how the woods had always provided us with food, homes, comfort, and religion. He was awed when I related to him how the wolf became our guardian, and when I told him that I would sing the sacred wolf song over him, he was overjoyed. In my song, I appealed to the wolf to come and preside over us while I would perform the wolf ceremony so that the bondage between my grandson and the wolf would be lifelong. I sang.

In my voice was the hope that clings to every heartbeat. I sang.

In my words were the powers I inherited from my forefathers. I sang.

In my cupped hands lay a spruce seed -- the link to creation. I sang.

In my eyes sparkled love. I sang.

And the song floated on the sun's rays from tree to tree. When I had ended, it was if the whole world listened with us to hear the wolf's reply. We waited a long time but none came.

Again I sang, humbly but as invitingly as I could, until my throat ached and my voice gave out.

All of a sudden I realized why no wolves had heard my sacred song. There were none left! My heart filled with tears. I could no longer give my grandson faith in the past, our past.

At last I could whisper to him: "It is finished!" "Can I go home now?" He asked, checking his watch to see if he would still be in time to catch his favorite program on TV.

I watched him disappear and wept in silence. All is finished!

by Chief Dan George (chief of the Salish Band in Burrard Inlet, B.C.)

HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- -don't pee on the tree
- -don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- -mind your tail when you are near the tree
- -if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
-don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
- -not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- -don't eat off the buffet table
- -beg for goodies subtly
- -be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- -don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
- -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- -respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- -tolerate children
- -turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!!

She's answered her canine calling; as one of the chosen ones, a.k.a.
the Dog People, liberating strays is more than a good deed: It's a
mission.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE TELLING you this, but I belong to a secret
society. We are determined, loyal, fanatical.

There are millions of us, everywhere, among you -- working in your
offices, shopping at your malls, teaching in your schools, driving in
the lane next to you.

You wouldn't know us by just glancing our way, but we can all
recognize one of our own at once, by the encoded insignia we wear on our
lapels.

Sometimes we wear it on our sleeves, or on the legs of our trousers.
OK, yes, or on the sofa, or the car seat.

It is dog hair -- the sure mark of the true believers of the First
Church of Canine.

Yes. We the Dog People.

In the name of the First Church of Canine, I have topped out my
credit card paying vet bills for strangers' dogs. I have dashed into freeway
traffic to rescue an injured dog. I have "liberated" an abused dog from an
abusive owner. I have smashed a car window to help a dog locked inside in
100-degree heat.

I, who haven't let a morsel of meat cross my lips since Reagan's
first term, have bought 10 59-cent burgers at the drive-through at 2 a.m.,
and fed them to the dog I just rescued from the street. I have
irritated scores of Muscovites by standing in line to buy ice cream,
and then feeding it to starving Moscow strays. I have packed my
luggage with Milkbones and tossed them from taxi windows to hungry street
hounds in Mexico City. And I take doggie bags home to actual doggies.

Among our church's other acolytes:

* Actors Betty White and Earl Holliman and Doris Day, whose inn in
Carmel, Calif., encourages you to bring your dog, and former actress
and home designer Kelly Harmon, who told me one reason she drives a
pickup is to rescue stray and injured creatures.

* The Long Beach lady who monitors the "found dog" ads in The Times
every day, and calls up to warn that unscrupulous people sometimes
claim to own the found dogs -- and then sell them to laboratories.

* Mike Antonovich, the county supervisor with whom I have almost
nothing in common politically, who has begun each board meeting by
holding up a homeless pet -- often a dog -- to the TV camera and
asking someone to adopt. * Nicole the makeup artist, and Antonio
Villaraigosa the councilman-elect, both new converts to the First Church of
Canine.

Not Caninian candidates: LBJ, who lifted his beagles by the ears and
insisted they liked it; the man who tied a dog to a rope and dragged
him along the back of his pickup; anyone who freaks out when a dog
licks his face.

See what happens when you get me started?

It's easy to laugh at my more fanatical brethren, with their
topiary-cut poodles, ringside seats at the Westminster Dog Show, dog
masseuses, dietitians and psychoanalysts. Rudy Giuliani is paying
$1,140 a month in dog support for Goalie, a retired seeing-eye golden
retriever who needs eye surgery.

It's even easier to cry about them. For every dozen Shih-Tzus getting
shiatsu, the city of L.A. alone kills nearly a thousand dogs a week,
all for want of good homes and spaying and neutering. Don't even
calculate the unspeakably casual cruelties of dogfights, mutilation
of tails and ears in the name of "looks."

In this church, some of us move from the pews to the pulpit, from dog
lovers to dog rescuers, saving them from the shelters and the
streets.

But please, don't call them mutts. They are multicultural canines,
dogs so singular-looking they deserve their own breeds, and so I sometimes
make them up. Osgood is my Highland collie, because if there ever were such
a dog, my Osgood -- long of coat, plumy of tail -- is what it should look
like.

I keep in a hatbox, along with the Mother's Day cards my dogs have
given me, the photos of the dozens of dogs I've saved; it is a
four-legged family album, and each picture recalls the lost-and-found
tale, the ending almost always happier than the beginning.

Charlotte, the elegant border collie mix who loved to herd guests at
parties, rescued in the rain one night in Larchmont.

Frances and Bradley, the Disney-victim Dalmatians. Kids who saw the
movie wanted the dog, and the puppy mills went into overdrive. Dals
are temperamental and high-strung, and too many Dals got dumped onto the
street when they didn't act the way they did in the movie. Bradley,
running in terror in Glassell Park, now lives in the Valley, and gets
to sleep on the bed. And Frances, who is deaf, finally got matched up
with an Idaho woman whose deaf Dalmatian had just died.

Bumper, hit by a car on the Glendale Freeway, hence his name. I hid
behind my car, stopped on the shoulder, and struggled out of my
stockings to wrap around his muzzle so he wouldn't bite me in his
fear and pain.

Penelope Ann, tossed onto the Pasadena Freeway. I was on my way to
interview the president of Nicaragua when I scooped her up, dropped
her at the vet's with orders to give her "the works," and dashed off to
my interview.

Woodrow, found half-dead in the gutter by a woman who called me
sobbing. Without having seen him, I phoned an outfit called Pet Taxi
and had him collected and delivered to my vet's office. He hadn't
been hit by a car, but he was starved and exhausted and chewed up. One ear
was tattered. One back foot was splayed, the bones long ago broken
and badly healed.

I named him Woodrow because his long bony face reminded me of Woodrow
Wilson's, even without a pince-nez (which I tried to balance on his
nose once, just to check the resemblance). He'd been a street dog all
his life, and was so dumbstruck at his luck that he used to sit by
the tub and stare at me when I took a bath, to make sure I didn't try to
sneak out the drain and leave him behind. He died last November, full
of years and love and Science Diet; the cleaning lady, who always
spoke baby-talk Spanish to him as he followed her around the house, cried
when I told her he had died. "My little boy," she wept, "my good
little boy."

Some rescues leap into your car; my friends are convinced that stray
dogs know my route home, and hang out there waiting for me to save
them. Some take a lot of coaxing. I carry dog food and treats and
water in the car, and I used it all one evening to get to Penny, an
American Staffordshire terrier (vulgarly known as a pit bull, and a very
sweet breed they can be too -- for most of us Caninians believe that bad
dogs are not born, bad dogs are made that way, by bad owners). Penny was
only a puppy, but already mange-bald and terrified of people. I spent
two hours crouched on a sidewalk before Penny would eat my food and
let me leash her. My legs were so cramped I could hardly unfold them to
press the accelerator.

And some dogs, no amount of food and murmured words can reach.
Approach, and they run off, spooked, and you can only watch them flee
and hope they can dodge traffic.

A dog isn't as expensive as a child, or as long-lived, but the
commitment is lifelong. Maybe longer. The ashes from all my dogs are
sealed in cedar boxes, and when it's my turn, we'll all get mixed in
together. You got a problem with that? There's an English aristocrat
who wants his carcass fed to his dogs when he goes.

I don't know much about the Corinthians, apart from the fact that
they invented very ornate architectural columns, but I can imagine that
when St. Paul admonished them to love, he could have used the dog as his
example. A dog "is patient, [it] is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is
not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... [It] always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

And always sheds. But then, dog hair is my favorite fabric.

Patt Morrison can be reached at patt.morrison@latimes.com

Excerpt from "Pieces of My Heart" stops Toronto traffic

Radio station Q107-FM/Toronto disc jockey John Derringer read the essay from a dog's point of view, "How Could You?" during morning drive-time April 11th and literally stopped traffic. Some drivers began crying so hard they had to pull off the road and listeners flooded the station with e-mail messages and phone calls. Some reported that their coworkers were still crying when they got to work. Associate producer Ryan Parker wrote "We have never had such a response as we have with that story. In fact we were so saturated by the response that we posted John's reading on our website www.q107.com."
His tearful reading can be heard at: http://www.q107.com/q107_derringer.html

Everyone is encouraged to ask their local stations/newspapers to use the story, which is available at the below site and may be requested as a Word document: http://www.crean.com/jimwillis/ [Many newspapers have published it along with photos taken at their local shelters, in cooperation with local shelters and humane societies, so please suggest that to them.]

The essay is included in a book of collected writings, "Pieces of My Heart - Writings Inspired by Animals and Nature," which includes a special fundraising offer for all rescues, shelters and organizations; downloadable flyers for that purpose are available at the above site. The book has been simultaneously published in the USA and the UK, is currently available through amazon.com-UK and will be listed with amazon.com-USA within a few weeks.

Updated 10-05-03